How to Communicate With Your Teenager
As a child, he
talked to you about everything. As a teenager, he tells you nothing.
When you
try to converse, he either gives clipped responses or ignites an argument that
turns your home ground into a battleground.
You can learn to
talk with your teenager.
WHY IT HAPPENS
The quest for
independence.
To become a
responsible adult, your teenager must, in a figurative sense, gradually move
from the passenger seat to the driver's seat and learn to navigate life's treacherous
roadways.
Of course, some teenagers want more freedom than they should have; on
the other hand, some parents grant less freedom than they could. The tug-of-war
that may result can create considerable turmoil for parents and teens.
Abstract thinking.
Young children tend to think in concrete,
black-and-white terms, but many teenagers can perceive the gray areas of a
matter.
T
his is an important aspect of abstract thinking, and it helps a young
person develop sound judgment. Consider an example: To a child the concept of
fairness seems simple: 'Mom broke a cookie in two and gave half to me and half
to my brother.' In this case, fairness is reduced to a mathematical formula.
Teenagers,
however, realize that the concept is not that simple.
After all, fair treatment
is not always equal, and equal treatment is not always fair. Abstract thinking
allows your teenager to grapple with such complex issues.
WHAT YOU CAN DO
When possible,
have casual chats. Take advantage of informal moments. For example, some
parents have found that teenagers are more apt to open up while doing chores or
while riding in the car, when they are side-by-side with a parent rather than
face-to-face.
Keep it brief.
You do not have
to argue every issue to the bitter end. Instead, make your point . . . and then
stop. Most of your message will be "heard" by your teenager later,
when he's alone and can ponder over what you've said. Give him a chance to do
so.
Listen-and be
flexible.
Listen
carefully-without interrupting-so that you can get the full scope of the
problem. When replying, be reasonable.
If you rigidly adhere to rules, your
teen will be tempted to look for loopholes. "This is when kids live two
lives," warns the book Staying Connected to Your Teenager. "The one
in which they tell their parents what they want to hear and the one in which
they do as they please once they are out of their parents' sight.
Stay calm.
Rather than overreact, say something that
"mirrors" your teen's feelings.
For example, instead of saying,
"That's nothing to worry about!" say, "I can see how much this
bothers you."
To the extent
possible, guide, don't dictate. Your teen's abstract thinking skills are like
muscles that need to be developed.
So when he faces a dilemma, do not do his
"exercising" for him.
As you discuss the matter, give him a chance to
come up with some solutions of his own. Then, after you have brainstormed a few
options, you could say: "Those are a few possibilities. Think them over
for a day or two, and then we can get together again to talk about which
solution you prefer and why."
FOR TEENAGERS
Do you want your
parents to extend you more freedom?
Do you wish that they really understood
you?
You can make it easier for them to do both! How? Be willing to tell them
what's going on in your life.
Talk openly. When you hold back, they cannot
fully trust you-and trust is the key to your getting more freedom.
The point is, do
not leave all the communication up to your parents. Do your part. Tell your
parents about your day. Ask them about theirs. If you have a complaint, learn
how to express it respectfully.
Communication is a skill that you will need in
adulthood.
Why not acquire it now?
